Saturday, 30 July 2011

Ramblings: Tell it to the Hand

I'm ranting. I've got nothing against Americans at all. I quite like them, to be honest. They've written some of my favourite books and sang some of my favourite songs. I just like being British and like our language. If I was French, I wouldn't speak Belgian, so I'm sticking to English.

I was horrified this week to read a piece in The Independent where a man described his wife as being "pissed". He meant angry and not inebriated. How odd and confusing. When did pissed start meaning angry? I also saw an advert on a bus for Subway saying "Do the Math!" Eek. It's maths. It always has been and always will be. I felt a cold chill.

It's not just the Americanism we've adopted which drive me crazy (24/7 kills me), it's the faddy and lazy phrases people over use for a period of time. They're funny for a minute or so and then are hideously irritating. My rule is: what would Noel say? By that, I mean Noel Coward not Edmonds. If I met Mr Edmonds he'd say "Please don't stab me." as I ran at him with a knife for crimes against good taste. If it wouldn't crop up in a Noel Coward piece it's probably not funny and not appropriate.
My current hate list is this:
  • Putting .com after things e.g. It's not funny or clever.
  • Saying "Back in the day." It makes you sound like a cheesy local radio disc jockey.
  • "Wine o'clock" was maybe funny the first time it was said or typed but it isn't now, honestly.
  • "Five items or less" on a checkout. It's "fewer", the same as it's "different from" not "different to/than"
  • LOL/PMSL/ROFL. Really? You're not really doing that at all are you? So please, don't type it. It's silly. What ever happened to "tee-hee" or "ha ha ha".
  • Text message speach and abreviations. I hate this. I can't stand "ya" for you, especially.
  • "Man flu". Lazy and sexist stereotyping. I had severe flu and everyone kept asking if I had man flu. I had actual flu, thanks and was in bed for a week sweating and suffering. Cheers for belittling it.
Another thing I hate is when people laugh about red hair and being "ginger". It was briefly funny to do this in the 90s. It's not now. It's just banal, rude and tired. Lots of ginger men and women are stunningly beautiful and one of my more promiscuous exes tells me that, according to his extensive research of men's undercarriages, red haired men have larger willies. Think on.

I know this sounds pedantic and picky and I'm sure I say things incorrectly or overuse phrases that annoy others too but I am the man who won't sing along to a song if it's grammatically correct. I have to adapt the lyrics to exclude the word "aint" or any of those nasty double negatives. Eurgh.

So in summary, desist please. Period.

1 comment:

Selina Craze said...

To add to your list, my top hates are:
'Later' (Really - are our jaws too exhausted to put 'see you' in front?)
'My bad' ( since when did adjectives become nouns?)
'Come with?' {Instead of 'come with me?')
'See you in five'/'Back in ten', 'take ten' etc
As well as the nauseating text phone contractions like u, wot, m8t, 4, t (instead of the) and many other down-dumbing examples I coould care not to mention. (Oh dear - is 'down-dumbing' another example? I have fallen into my own trap...!