This piece is directly inspired by the brilliant blogger Bipolar Bear (http://bipolarbear.co.nz/) who runs a similar themed item from time to time. I get statistics on my blog of how many hits I’ve had, where the readers are from etc. More amusingly, I also get a list of what search terms bought them here via Google. They can be quite worrying and I get concerned on two levels. Firstly, why do they end up being directed to me? Secondly: how disappointed must they be if they’re planning a bit of a saucy self love and end up with me wittering on instead. I visualise a lot of rapidly withering erections. Here are my top five favourite bizarre searchers.
1) How big is Christian Jessen’s penis? I do hate to disappoint but although I did once meet the doctor from the Embarrassing Bodies TV show when he examined my left tonsil, I didn’t get round to peeking at his cock. This is not normal during a standard medical examination contrary to pornographic films you may have seen. Even if I had, that’s between me and him. I suspect that the internet may not hold the answer to this burning question and suggest that the only way to find out is to feign an embarrassing anal condition and quickly debag him when he least suspects it. I hope that helps.
2) Gay boy bumsex: O.K. I plead guilty on this one. I have coyly alluded to the love that uses the back door once or twice but I’m afraid I’m no sex instruction manual. If you want tips I suggest using a reputable site such as XHamster where they have some very educational film clips. Alternatively, ask your local M.P. or priest. They often get caught doing this.
3) Back scars: Oh dear. My back is a pure temple of clean unbroken skin which is perfectly respectable for a 41 year old man. I had a lucky escape from back acne. It sprouts a few hairs though, as you’d expect at my age. I’m not sure I’ve ever mentioned a scar on my back but suggest that Google is having a laugh bringing you here when what you need is a damn good cosmetic surgeon or a stint on Embarrassing Bodies. If you opt for the latter please try to get an eyeful of Dr Christian’s knob so I can help caller number one.
4) Gay Shower Curtain Sex: I’m sorry? Sex with a shower curtain? This is not a practical or viable contraceptive and will not protect from STDs at all. It’ll also ruin your decor and provide an unwelcome talking point for visitors using your bathroom who notice the unusual stains. I’m not sure even bleaching would solve that one. Is this a new fetish I know nothing of? I thought I’d heard them all. I’m not sure i want to investigate though.
5) Cocks in Speedos: I did outline an unsavoury encounter I had with a weird Speedo fetishist who was frankly mildly psychopathic and displayed a mild desire to kill me. My worry with this one is that it’s him searching for “cocks in Speedos” and he’ll track me down and kill me. If it is you, I’m terribly sorry and won’t ever laugh about your inability to ejaculate unless it was with a man wearing tight nylon swimwear that gives off enough sparks to start a pubic bush fire. I won’t mention your penchant for nipple clamps and hair pulling either. Deal? I think this could get messy. If I’m found garrotted with a pair of nasty trunks you know where to look.
To be honest, whatever brings you here, you're more than welcome. Come one in. Whatever your fetish I accept it. Just leave my shower curtain alone and we'll be fine.